Monday, July 25, 2016

Pokémon Gets You Up to Go

Fighting a Proxy War against apathy and childhood obesity, developers of the hit sensation Pokémon Go were overheard during a lunch outing at San Francisco area McDonalds commenting on the games success of getting Americans their fat-asses as saying "at least the kids are getting interested in going outside again."

This statement obviously references a well publicized statement that Breaking Bad creators said concerning their programs contribution to renewed interested in science stating that their hit show was "making kids get interested in Chemistry once more" and was "promoting the entrepreneur spirit in America again" as well as reports that a self-described 'pudgy' teenager near Knoxville, Tennessee recently captured a Pokémon near the carcass of a dead Deer in his front yard; a casualty of the nearby four-lane highway.

Proponent of Psychogeography and Situationist International founder, Guy DeBored, could not be reached for comment on the subject of the new fascination with exploring urban environments that Pokémon Go urges due to the fact that he not only died in 1994, but would probably just mumble phrases and terminology that only he could fully understand then end by plugging a book he co-authored posthumously with help from The Psychic Friends Network and Dr. Phill McGraw called The 20/20 Diet which is available at local bookstores and from Dr. Phils website.

It was also overheard that the Pokémon Go developers think that their boss is 'kind-of a dick', owns every issue of Smooth Magazine (including two copies of the Kendra Moore issue) and pondering upon the query that if the Chicken McNuggets are now made with all-white meat then what were they made from before?


Learn more about Psychogeography:

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Logistics. Results. TFHD on the Hunt!

In the spring of 2012, I explained my views on hunting to fellow Totally Huge Fucking Dude Raul Kennedy... I live in the suburbs--a place where hunting (in the traditional sense of the word) is no longer feasible nor needed so along with Raul, we re-defined hunting as we set out to find a chili parlour in a particular suburb that I was unfamiliar with.

I drove, hunting for a place where we could eat chili, Raul was familiar with the neighborhood (but I was not). I wouldn't let him tell me where to find a Gold Star or Skyline location... Instead, armed with a soundtrack of Ikara Colt aboard a 2001 Chevy Cavalier we journeyed. We tracked. We ventured.

Eventually we found a Gold Star Chili where we dined after trading pulls of whiskey from a bottle while Raul read excerpts from The Wall Street Journal aloud. We were two Totally Fucking Huge Dudes then... As we are now. Still. Several personal-apocalypses later.

Below are screen captures of Raul, from Firebase 101 located high upon Mt. Tufff near Fat City 'doing the leg-work' to coordinate a redistribution of Kroger's Brand Grape Powder Drink Mix to 'even out the stock'... A Totally Fucking Huge Dude still on the hunt with Chubby Checker blaring in the background fighting the fights worth fighting.

"TFHD On The Hunt" soundtrack/playlist featuring Chubby Checker, Ikara Colt with The Animals and a Rolling Stone cut.

Friday, July 22, 2016

A Message from Jack Burton.

In lieu of Donald Trump's rousing 'Law & Order' (donk-donk) speech at the 2016 Republican Convention... The compromising defeat of Colonel Bernie Sanders and rise of Hillary 'H.I.L.L.' Rodham-Clinton... Jack Burton, truck-driver (retired) and subject of the 1986 documentary BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, once again referred to himself in 3rd person stating "Jack Burton just wants his country back!"

Documentary Trailer:

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Big Deck Hanging with the Sundermans!

Before the traditional Memorial Day onslaught of summer, Bill and Nancy Sunderman of the posh Columbus, Oxhio suburb of Oakenshield, planned on an active schedule of warm-weather usage for their recently installed deck.

"What lady doesn't love a big deck to hang out on?" Nancy, a modest 38 year old Receiving Department manager for a major home supply retail chain and mother of three proclaimed.

Starting with a busy Memorial Day weekend of nearly constant grilling, lounging and fireworks, action proceeded to include birthday parties, True Romance gatherings, meetings of The Oakenshild Knife-Throwers Guild (founded by Bill in 2002) and much more. These organized events all not only occurred on the Sundermans' big deck but also featured an impromptu hippie drum circle one evening after the family returned from their kids' soccer game.

"We came home, thought the neighbor had his stereo on a bit loud.." explained Bill, age 45 and owner/operator of 7 Columbus area BallStop© Convenience Stores, "We smelt patchouli and followed the beat to the Big Deck out back."

Taking it as a testament of the the decks comfort, Bill and Nancy put the kids to bed, kicked off their shoes and 'dropped out' by joining in with the fun! "If you cant beat' em" said Nancy "Join 'em!"

After a rousing Fourth of July weekend jam-packed with neighborhood grill-outs and Fireworks displays with the Sundermans Deck being the highlight of the entire neighborhood, ideas for the second-half of the summer as Bill and Nancy explained include a family reunion, at least two more birthday parties, a baby shower, another True Romance gathering and in Bills own words "the biggest fucking fireworks display this neighborhood has ever seen" for Labor Day.

Call your local trusted neighborhood contractor for an estimate on your own Big Deck today.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Dial 1-800-BAND for A Great Time

July 1st, 2016
Junkers Tavern (Fallback Position)

Holiday weekends bring out the worst in everybody and everything including myself. I'd like to think its just a 'nihilist moment' or think that its just a phase but if not for the fact that 1-800-BAND (BAND) were not on tour in support of Almost Ready Records (who also released Cincinnati favs Bummers Eve debut fullie) release of High Beams; BAND's second fullie and playing Junkers Tavern on the opening day of the 2nd Fourth of July of the 2016 Summer season then (as some ancient astronaut theorist say) I would have been at home on the couch of ideas watching TV. 

Mama said being an enemy of the state would be easy... Its getting harder and harder trouncing through the muck to find the sweet spots of resistance that such strongholds like Junkers represents. 

I guess A Lamb of Ulysees himself; Ian Svenious' Chain and The Gang were playing mere blocks away at The Northside Tavern that registered immediately as being 'wayyyy o'er there' in the interest scale... Fuck it. Chain and The Gang becomes described as 'The guy from The Make-Up with an all-girl band' which is really unfair but sparks my interest despite the gimmick-y nature of that overheard 'product with product' description. My final ananysis as The Northside Tavern not being an option for the evening has much do do with the fact that 1) The Nation of Ulysses must Prevail and 2) Apathy isn't so much as a cause rather than the fact that I think 1-800-BAND are a really great band.

Things got started off at Junkers post-opening evening of The Rock and Roll Carnival. No, I didn't go and the only way that could possibly get me there would be if BAND would play. As it just so happens, they are... In just a few hours from writing this very sentence actually but since BAND is played Junkers, I chose the familiarity of known territory where I hold a strategic advantage if/when the shit hits the fan.

Locals Stallone & Roses, a hard-driving double guitar and drums feedback laden rock and roll machine with thick, involved reverb-ed vocals shredded the post carnival heathens and gave be a sense of purpose and optimism in the fact that my apathetic ass really, really got it together and made it out to hear something loud and sit somewhere else in a change of scenery and revel in the fact that Ancient Aliens will be available On-Demand at my convenience. Stallone & Roses supplied the night a small victory to build upon.

BAND came right out of the gate unleashing their ever-fresh Knack meets Blondie and Freddie Fender style power-pop in fast anthemic burst of catchy songs about  alienation, awkwardness, fun, innocence and rebellion. BAND's songs speak directly to you and screams into your ear its not you, it;s them. Finally with High Beams, on a personal level, I no longer blame 1-800-BAND for the hiatus or disappearance of Crimson Sweet. I see BAND as rock and roll alter-ego's of Crimson Sweet; the same great heroes they were, in new outfits doing something different and still making it pop where its supposed to pop, and causing them to drop when its time to drop!

Feel free to inquire about procuring a copy of your own LP or CD version of High Beams from your local {vinyl record] dealer... Threaten them if you have to and if all else fails, you always have 1-800-BAND's phone number to call and lodge a complaint!

BAND built upon the victory that Stallone & Roses started... The solitary late night ride home was fresh, and mostly occupied with the usual nights dissidents gathered arouund the brightly lit 24-Hour Fast Food eateries,  stopped in front of Blue flashing lights from Ohio State Patrol cruisers (patrolling a bit outside their jurisdiction in College Hill none-the-less?) and others who feared everything else.

Me? I felt as if I was the criminal, the enforcer and the victim all rolled into one... Listening to Slaughter and The Dogs at a verily loud volume... Running red-lights...
feat. 1-800-BAND with Slaughter and The Dogs and Parquet Courts