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Before a last editing, I sent this poem out to some comrades... Not for feedback, just to share with intention to inform my poet bruddies that, in fact, CYN was looking for more contributors this was some awesome feedback a friend gave me. Their name has been removed.
"Hi Shawn, yeah, "meanwhile 15 headaches later and .... fucking doritos...." is too rhetorial and mattr of fact. it is the opposite of the command and the ingrained passive aggressive "kill tomorrow" kill tomorrow and some of the other 'explanations of or posits of the poets viewdo work, "like prison bars are a bar code "et. effective .....also the heifer and the mild images adoring public is too removed for any real impact. there may not be another way of saying it.( adoring public)" ther is plenty of life right here is ok to exploit it etc. "I am thinking you let life come to you and you examine what someone else has put on your plate and then partake ...still it is a defensive statement as you are more out going and more involved in "getting something going" in a positive way and that could be exploiting as well so..... as I know you so far as a person it works as I know you to be supremely confident, maybe struggling to make a place with The Socials
with time to do this and than. you seem open to collaboration in some way and with other people. to get back to "there is plenty of Life right here to exploit ......and etc. a true statement and could be the opening line of the poem and then run down the gaumet of ways of seeing// the 100 acre strip mall from woods is les s a statement than a recapitualtion news hawk honeys give head on TV to in or to titillate viewers like the year round seasonal comments 4 times a year about the difference between the haves and the have nots and maintaining the cold archness of TV as in some new works constantly rollout the seasonal cliche on the subject of the 15 most wealthiest people in hamilton county ..... in ohio the n50 most wealthiest.... etc. then a comment about the weather..... so too many rhetorical stances in your poem. I think. I seldom go into anything too much you writing as a lot is very good and perfer to savor the many meanings, but this one needs something. you might get in mag. [CYN} based on your reputation alone so..... whatever. if you have a
gut check about wanting to get into mag, i would re-think and write something less long, good meanings comes out of line breaks on short lines as well if you work that way."
my immediate response:
Thanks for reading. Sometime I'm gonna have to share all my rejection e-mails with you... I'm not sure I have ever been accepted into a publication or otherwise because of my 'reputation' but that would definitely explain my lack of tallent.
Please Note: TALLENT in that spelling was intentional.
More Shawn Abnoxious coming up in CYN sooner than later.