Friday, December 16, 2011


The Bastard DC
The Bastard DC (in full glory)
Stop Reading, Start Eating
What is to be said about starting? Is a start also the same as a beginning? You really don’t need to answer that. I don’t expect an answer and wouldn’t really think any more of you if you take it upon yourself to waste time answering that. Use your time more wisely. If you felt the need to supply an answer back there, and maybe still have that urge... STOP! Get up, right this moment and supply yourself with a double cheeseburger, any variety will do... This would be an emergency situation (preferences be dammed) GO NOW...

In fact, if you have gotten this far in the article, I suggest you STOP reading, get up and do the same. Proceed to the nearest outlet where you may ingest a double cheeseburger. Come back to this article, or don’t... It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you have partaken in a double cheeseburger. That is what Operation: Bastard DC is all about eating double cheeseburgers. So if you get up, right now and go get a double cheeseburger and never return to these words or even this blog, that is ok. Mission:Acomplished! Operation Bastard DC is about double cheeseburgers. EATING double cheeseburgers!

Go, now!

The Exodus of Raul Kennedy

You still here?

Beard Deep
(This is Beard Deep)
I would admire you more if you did as I asked and were beard deep into a double cheeseburger... Oh yeah, they're not called that anymore. From now on Double Cheeseburgers are now called 'DCs' or 'DC'. This whole operation had its birth, its start; it’s beginning with Raul Kennedy aka Paul Kennedy (but nowadays I just call him 'Raul'). His amplification of fascination concerning DCs was strong. Passionately strong, even stronger than my own... Raul's passion concerning DCs has got to be one of the strongest passions I have ever witnessed someone being passionate about something. I know, this sounds crazy. I should also let you in on an inside bit of knowledge, passion and crazy are verily similar to me. I’m not into really drawing lines concerning my friends and passing judgments on them and what they got going on because after all, they are my friends. I have chosen them, but really, they have made a more conscious decision to be mine... That’s saying something to me because I’m such a shallow person that I’m not sure I would be my own friend if I encountered me... After all, I'm writing about DCs, and ultimately, just this past month began using the term as a shortened form of a bigger word when referencing the sandwich because it was popping up in regular context of messages, texts, poems or whatever.

I know, on many levels this is crazy. er, I mean passionate! You should stop reading and go buy two DCs... Eat them and think about future drone wars...

So just as that frantic period between Thanksgiving and Christmas approached Raul Kennedy unveiled his seemingly mission of heading to Colorado to brave the mountains and their winter to seemingly prove something to someone. It seemed like suicide to me. Suicide because it sounded like camping to me. Me? I wholeheartedly despise camping on many different levels and degrees .Who knows, as I write about this mission even now, locked beard deep in the same frantic period as the type that ushered in this op, Raul has just departed. He seems focused on writing, insist he is keeping a journal, and still claims to be heading by train to Colorado and its winter and its mountains. Raul claims he will keep in touch, and I believe him, but I’m an old man. I tend to worry about things, and I worry for Raul. I worry for Colorado. I worry for DCs being placed on the extinction list...

I tell Raul. "Go out to the Wild West, kick it in the balls. Adventure and return to write about it"

He may do that, but not just that. Raul will do more. The man is ripe with potential and one of the best writers I have ever read. The thing about beginnings, and the future (for the most part) is that you just never know what’s going to happen. Look out Colorado. You thought you were safe again when Dr. Thompson did himself in. You were wrong. Danger is returning.

This time, he is eating DCs. One in each hand.

 Re: The 1'S (This Means War)

You should now accept a poem, a past posting from ...THWART! as a reference for this section. THE 1'S was wrote in part due to e-mail messages shared between Raul and I concerning the madness of Black Friday. Operation Bastard DC has its beginnings with this poem. That’s why it’s important. Read it HERE

Instructions for the Next 33 Days

The next stop for this story is another poem. The poem is written in two parts with Raul's actual message comprising the first part of the poem. My reply to him was written in verse. This poem was written, my reply, when I was seriously mulling over possibilities that Raul was, in fact, self-destructive. I’m now convinced he was not, and is not, but this poem represents many e-mails that I wrote trying to convince him how much of a more awesome writer he is than a majority of writers I have read. I rushed the hard copy edition of THE LAST AMERICAN into production that featured a transcribed facebook conversation between Raul and I about Chili. I was hoping to instill a worth, and provide a sense of duty in a person that I was becoming increasingly worried about.

Here is that poem:

Instructions for the Next 33  Days
Part 1 (A Message from Raul)
Im writing this from a parking lot 
using free internet on my disconnected phone. 
Just wanted to say the new thwart 
captures the true American holiday spirit. 
I've been keeping a journal 
so I will have something new very soon. 

Part 2 (A Reply in Verse)
Dear Raul,
You are a true AWM.
(American Winning Motherfucker)
(it is glory)
Don't let them ruin you...
Don't let them catch you
to then ruin you!
Stay restless...
Stay questioning...
Break all mirrors you encounter.
Do not trust anyone
without a beard and/or a scar.
Eat in two's...
Drink in three's...
Wear T-shirts always under your 'top-shirt'
Sleep on the floor.
Its ok to cry if you
get a leg cramp.
Tell your mother
you love her after each
phone conversation you have.
Never flush a public toilet.
Only carry single dollar bills...
Transfer all large denomination
bills into single dollar bills (georgies).
Pour the first beer of a twelve
out upon the ground for 'the fighters'.
Remember to wave at all cell phone towers
((they are  friends))
Don't forget to laugh. Always.

Concerning ‘Passion’ (Do The Math)

BK Sign
Burger King Drive Thru Sign
It took a bit until I was convinced that Raul's passion wasn’t to the suicidal level but I also realize that I may just be a dumb fool too... The banter between Raul and I on facebook had grown to an everyday thing, as his westward exodus still was all-go America!!! DCs!!! Soon enough the DC movement was in full swing... In a 24 hour time period DC had erupted in discussions on the facebook group site known as BAG (Blog Alliance Guild). There was talk of Burger King offering 2 for 1 Whoppers and Raul said something about getting that deal and smashing them together to make his own DC... It sounded like a good idea. I pledged myself to the concept of getting a DC sometime that day...The date was December 11th. DeCember 1-1... December=DC... 11=DOUBLE ones!!! Lemme tell ya, things like this just don’t happen! It was designed by forces... The same forces that brought about Raul creating a site for his AWM concept... AMERICAN WINNING MOTHERFUCKER... I was subsequently made an administrator and I knew what for... The events on the 11th seemed like a push, a creative push. A hurried burst of creative powers all at once. Like a C-bomb (creativity bomb) went off...

Fuxter Schittley offers this equation concerning math and The Bastard DC:


Birth of the Bastard

It was well into the evening when the idea for Operation: Bastard DC was imagined. After a family meal at Noodles. After under-T shopping at Wal-Mart... After grocery shopping and all the you-guess portage of bought goods into the house too. Operation: Bastard DC was just before walking the trash cans out though. Some things would have to wait.

1212011845_0001.jpgEarlier in the day Raul stated how he was gonna smash two Whoppers together, because of the running BOGO deal (that appeared to be widespread since BAG members in different parts of the country were celebrating the deal too). So Raul got me thinking, as my evening was winding down and the sunset to the west calling out for Raul to join it... Raul smashing two sandwiches together into one...Hmmm.

So, the time it took me to exit the house and get to the car, the operation and its parameters began to take shape. I would drive to retrieve the beautiful Buy One, Get One offer from Burger King... And smash them together to make a double cheeseburger! A Bastard DC!!! A created burger. Yeah, you could buy a double Whopper... You can buy a traditional DC (which is glorious) but with everyone on BAG talking up the DC, and the emergence of Raul's AWM page and all of Raul's talk of smashing whoppers together to make a DC... Hell, in honor of Raul himself... I too would smash two non-DC sandwiches into one sandwich. Hence, The Bastard DC was born...

Riding the Ikara Colt

I know Raul was a fan of the band IKARA COLT (he always had excellent taste in music) so I got some blasting on the car stereo before sending a message via twitter pronouncing the beginning of the operation
12/12/11@6:00 pm to twitter (then facebook) via text message "Heading out solo... To fetch two Whoppers to make a 'bastard' DC... A 'Raul' blasting Ikara Colt"

So, the Bastard DC was born...Under current circumstances, I had even decided to name the new procedure, the new sandwich, The Bastard DC after Raul himself! The Bastard DC is a Raul is a Bastard DC!!!

So I blast Ikara Colt. As loud as it could go. What a band! Selections from their amazing Chat and Business wail as I wind thru the streets of Fairfield to a Burger King location I was familiar with... A location I chose as a spot where fellow NIGHT-FORCE member, Dave aka 'Wickey' and I shot the footage for the video EXPERIMENTS IN FAST FOOD DELIVERY back in the heyday of the $1DC

BK Drive Thru.jpgThis particular BK, located in Downtown Fairfield, just across the street from a 24-7 Fitness location that never seems to be open (?!) and was widely known for not being a choice in the BK chain that appear to have their act together. Ever. Since relocating to Fairfield, in the early 90's this BK has had issues, but such as all American I’m brainwashed and continue to compromise my standards for the same terrible service.

And service was bad... The same problems from the EXPERIMENTS video were still being exercised except this time Wickey wasn’t with me... It was just me and Ikara Colt (blasting) and a few lonely laughs from myself... Their drive thru speaker/woofer is so bad. Muffled. Been like that for years now...

But I still managed to get the BOGO offer, and a large order of those new fresh-cut fries...  Sitting at the drive thru window my phone chimed with a message... Raul, from his vantage of monitoring, had seen my own message announcing my intention with the whoppers and chimed back

12/12/11@6:12 pm via text message from twitter
"Sink Venice with a thunderdrunk of ranch 'it flowed like water from the mountains, the whole world drizzled in ranch'"

"Sink Venice" was a song by Ikara Colt... A highlight of their Chat and Business release. Chat and Business was Ikara Colts first release, their 'debut' release as it is called in the industry. They had a follow up fully after Chat, but it had less to offer than the amazingness of before. None-the-less, Raul (as myself (recognized the greatness of Chat and Business and always will.

The wait was so long at the window that they forgot if I had paid or not and gave me my food before asking if I had, in fact, paid. I should have lied...Should have just gave it a good ol' ""Huh? What?" and thunder gunned the gas but I did not. Like a nice little lamb I forked over the check card and paid...

We Even Become Nomads.jpg
We Even Become Nomads
Ikara Colt, still blasting as I returned home with two whoppers and a large order of fries, sang of disenchantment and anger as I thought about Raul and the sandwich I was about to make in his honor. At the red light at the foot of the hill I live on I got behind another lamb driving a jeep with a large window sticker for the Cincinnati radio station WEBN. I caught speed up the hill and rolled my window down too bleat at the Jeeps driver with Ikara Colt blasting...."baaaah"

It was worth the look.

"Look around, look look look around.
2000 damp bricks won't save you now."

from SINK VENICE by Ikara Colt

Assembling The Bastard DC

DC with a Lazy Smurf.jpgOlive lied (good for her) she attacked the fries when I pulled them forth from the bag. I tried the fries, the all-new fancy fries that Burger King were so proud of, and they sucked. They were cold. Not the normal kind of cold that you would expect from a short drive home, but the sort of cold that resembled already de-tempered fries were given from the start. They were so bad that Olive only ate a couple of them before giving them back. When a three-year-old kid won’t eat your fries, you got a problem.

In fact, the drink I chose with my meal... Room temperature Big-K (Kroger’s Store brand) soda, a drink I call a LAZY SMURF (lazy because its right out of the can, smurf because the soda is blue), was a bit warmer than the fries... The burgers were cool also!

None-the-less, I unwrapped the whoppers, took the patty and cheese portion of whopper #2, and placed it directly on top of whopper #1s sesame seed bun. THE BASTARD DC was born! I took the rogue bottom bun from whopper #2 and ate the grease soaked bun as was... As far as greasy bread goes, the rogue bun was typically average as I suppose greasy buns go.

After a quick photo, 50 seconds in the microwave brought the Bastard DC; The Raul, back up to standards. In all the difficulties in service the 'Raul' was decent. The practice of creating 'Raul' is something I will do again. Deffy.

Then, after the glorious RAUL (BASTARD DC), I took out the garbage.


Opinion of A Lamb

The following day, after a full days work in the jowls of the factory, after supper of spaghetti and meat sauce (my favorite vegetable), I check my e-mail and sure enough, at 11:32 pm, December 11th 2011... Raul left me in charge of the AWM page and he was heading out for the Wild West that just got a bit wilder.

He promised to stay in touch... But I am full of worry and now know how those kids in MAD MAX: BEYOND THUNDERDOME felt about Captain Walker.

I fetched the receipt from Burger King, stripped with green warning indication ink that they need to that told me that they need to change their receipt paper soon... That convinced me that my opinion about their establishment matters so I called them up, went through all voice prompts and left a personal message. It was a simple message steeped in symbolism...


A  Return to Verse

Keep an eye to the west.
From where he went,
He shall return...
With a DC in each hand.
He shall return...
with a sore foot
from kicking The Wild West
in the balls repeatedly.
There was no doubt
with such an example of
as Raul...
After all...
He is a Kennedy...
After much thought,
I have considered the end,
and it appears to be another
A start.

Take care Raul. Be easy on the west. Upon completion of your travels and return, the first DC is on me. Hell, even a second if they didn’t break you...


Time stamped 12/13/11 at 5:27pm Raul has written by way of e-mail via a seedy hotels computer that he has arrived in Colorado and hears tales of a sort of refuge in Aspen that is called a 'Homeless Retreat' little does anyone know, Raul is home when he is free. My worry grows less with each message I will get from Raul like this... Later in the evening (approx 8:45 pm) I even had the pleasure of a phone convo...He promises snail mail to me soon... Communication on a semi-frequent basis. But I am an old man, its my job to worry, so worry (if just for a bit) I will.

Goodbye (till' We Meat Again)

You still here? Go start something...

The Bastard DC