Friday, July 10, 2015

Cincinnati: Your With Us or Against Us (Directors Cut)

If you were to tell me in 1998 that I would have the opinion that one-day I would do some of my best writing in a baseball zine, I would have thought you were crazy. Initially, I got into The Reds because my Dad likes to watch the Reds... And after all the Reds/Commie rhetoric that became a Neus Subjex standard... It felt right.. Then I met Mike Faloon in 2006 as part of The Perpetual Motion Road Show at a stop in Cincinnati. Mike and I hit it off and he contacted me later about contributing to Zisk. Honestly, I've always had the opinion that some of the best writing you could read was written by sports writers... Take, for instance, Dr. Hunter S. Thompson... In Fear and Loathing and Where The Buffalo Roam, he was covering sports events... Sorta... So with that in mind, I proceeded.

Below you will find my latest contribution to Zisk. What a lot of people don't realize, is when you write your stuff it will be subject to editing. The editors job is to make you look good and fit your writing to the standard of the publication... That was done with this article and I didn't have one problem with's unrealistic to think your shit don't stink and you got to fight for your language. Me? Editors edit. That's what they do! So yeah, there's a couple things different about what you will read in this version vs. the 'Directors Cut.' 

July 8th, 2015

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Cincinnati: Yor With Us, or Against Us

CINTI., OHIO— It's been quite a saga... Since 1992 Pete Rose has been trying to get re-instated into Major League Baseball. Is it because he really expects, and deserves, induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame? Is it because being re-instated means he could (maybe) re-enter into a managers spot for a MLB team? Hell, it's 'Charlie Hustle' we're talking about here! Yes!!!
As the well known struggle goes, Rose was flatly ignored in 1992 by Fay Vincent who succeeded Bart Giamatti as MLBs Comissioner. In the same year as Giamatti died—just 154 days after Pete Rose was ousted from Major League Baseball forever...  In 1999 Rose tried Giamattis successor, Bud Selig, who ignored Roses request until dispelling it, officially, in 2009—just a short DECADE later!!! Maybe, if Rose played for The Milwaukee Brewers, Selig would have been a bit more interested in the matter... Regardless, Selig, obviously, didn't care what Cincinnatians think. If he did, he would have re-instated Rose and been declared a fucking superstar within Greater Cincinnati, in the process—maybe even regionally speaking. Selig could have reveled in free drinks and food in all Cincinnatis Brew-Hauses, free coneys, free three, four or five way style Cincinnati Chili at Gold Star and Skyline, free Ice cream at Graeters, free LaRossas pizza... But noooooo. The 'Lifetime Ban' still stood and continues to stand—past Seligs tenure of Commissionership (at least) until another attorney turned Commissioner, Rob Manfred, figures out exactly how important the subject is to him, and his standing with Cincinnati. The answer will be that Manfred and Major League Baseball is with Cincinnati, or [still] against Cincinnati.
Ol' Pete has tried his best... Maybe, if Rose had admitted to shooting steroids, got caught snorting a line cocaine (or two), or even dabbled in the burgeoning heroin scene (which is fucking gigantic and all over the local Cincinnati news) he would have been long forgiven and coddled back (maybe) into a managers position already. 
I can imagine this Comissioner Manfred bastard, perhaps, making a big surprise announcement at the 2015 Cincinnati-based All-Star Game. Recently, there has been 'secret construction projects' at Great American Ball-Parks Home-Plate position. As these rumors state, the project resembles one of those Central Florida walled-community garbage-can lift installations. A contraption designed to hide the curbside trash-cans until the collection services arrive, and subsequently retrieves the unsightly refuse thats hidden inside an underground vault. Then, hiding the cans until they are brought back to their 'house position.' Some say that the lift is being installed to open on dramatic cue from Manfred, raising Pete strait from beneath home-plate... Symbolizing his previous standing with Major Leage Baseball Inc., and not only absolving him from his guilt, but automatically inducting him into the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame too!
... and the crowd goes wild!
Comissioner Manfred could become thee man, and potentially blow the fucking lid off a packed Cincinnati crowd! He could bring forth a new level of generational chaos at Great American Ball Park that hasn't been witnessed since the Cincinnati tragedy just steps next door to the ballpark that was forever immortalized in Teacher Pets song "The Cincinnati Stomp"... Upon announcing that Pete Rose is being reinstated into Major League Baseball, a pregnant lady will go into labor... An elderly person will have a heart attack... Someone will be stabbed... Someone else will be found in a piss-trough submerged in ice, missng a kidney... The Ghost of Marge Schott will be seen with her famed St. Bernard Canine "Shotzy" sniffing her crouch while she downs a craft-beer that may (or may not be) a special Rhinegeist microbrew brand named PETE, and brewed in his honor. Standing ovations will abound as Rose is raised from token shame, eating a cheese-coney sloppily, with Chili dripping upon his Reds uniform—which will be displayed, stain and all, in the Official Baseball Hall of Fame!
Arrogant... Smart-mouthed... A great ball-player... Each has been used to describe Pete Rose by my Dad (Captain of the Cincinnati Reds)... But the basics in my Dads statements are that he was a great ball-player. Despite what may happen or not, Pete has played some great ball—Let the record show also, that there's only the slight chance that what is mentioned here will happen. After-all, the fact remains that I made this whole scenario up. There is still a Reds cunt-hairs chance though, that this scene may unfold as I have suggested and Pete may just as well tell Commissioner Manfred, or his successor, andMajor League Baseball to take their Hall of Fame and their Major League Baseball and in the immortal words of Trailer Park Boys' Ricky: just fuck-the-right-off!!!
Yeah, I agree... That would be cool too.